Posted on Feb 16, 2012

Learning to connect with your spouse – all over again

Holding hands. Giving gifts. Enjoying a meal together at a favorite restaurant. These are just some of the things we expect to see in couples who are dating – and even newlyweds.

What do we expect to see from couples married 10, 20 or even 40 years? Why wouldn’t we expect to see the same things?

The #1 reason couples change their behavior with each other is because they loose the value of connectedness. As a value, Connectedness means a relation between things or events; being joined or linked together.

Connecting matters.

Maxwell on Connecting

Leadership expert John Maxwell writes in his book Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: “Connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.” Maxwell offers 5 principles to connect with others:

– Connecting increases your influence in every situation

– Connecting is all about others

– Connecting goes beyond words

– Connecting always requires energy

– Connecting is more skill than natural talent (that means we can learn it!)

So how connected are you with your spouse? If it’s good, you need to keep it. If you’ve lost it, you can regain it.

How?

The 5 Love Languages

One of the best resources available for all married couples is The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Based on 30+ years of marriage counseling and experience working with couples, Chapman discovered that all of us have a primary ‘love language’ – a preferred way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that we tend to be attracted to others who possess a different primary love language.

Thus, it is common for husbands and wives to speak a different love language to each other. That has the same effect as one person speaking French while the other is speaking Japanese. You know when someone is talking, but you have no idea what they are really saying.

The 5 Love Languages are:

1) Words of Affirmation. Genuine and unsolicited comments of praise are important.

2) Quality Time. Just sitting across from each other and really listening (and no TV).

3) Receiving Gifts. The careful thought that goes into a specific gift means everything.

4) Acts of Service. What others do matters, especially if it eases the burden of responsibility.

5) Physical Touch. Hugs, a pat on the back, holding hands speaks volumes.

Clearly all of these are important. We like all five. But if you could only experience one of these, which one could you NOT live without? That one is likely your primary love language.

If you want to know for sure, take the online assessment. It’s important to know your own love language. Then you can help others speak your language.

Now comes the hard part.

To connect – or reconnect – with your spouse, you need to speak their primary love language. But what if you don’t know what it is – and they won’t do the assessment?

Put on your Sherlock Homes detective hat and begin experimenting.

Focus on one love language – such as words of affirmation – and do just that one type for 2 weeks, every day. It has to appear genuine. And it needs to be natural. Then switch to a different love language. Once you find your spouse’s primary love language it will be so obvious, it’ll feel like winning the lottery.

At first, speaking a new language might feel difficult and even awkward. But as with learning anything new, it gets easier the more you do it. And then you can help your spouse understand your own primary love language.

So….. if you would like to experience the same kind of connectedness that newlyweds or even dating couples have, try learning a new language. It just might open a whole new world in your marriage!