Posted on Mar 1, 2012

A little proactivity in marriage helps prevent getting burned

There is a well-known saying “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” It means that it is better to try and avoid problems in the first place, rather than trying to fix them once they arise.

This was actually fire-fighting advice, coined by Benjamin Franklin when he organized Philadelphia’s Union Fire Company in 1736.

Franklin understood the value of Proactivity, which means anticipatory; acting in advance to deal with an expected change or difficulty.

This is also good advice – and a useful value – for married couples.

Every couple knows that problems – fires – will arise at some point. Some are external to the relationship and some are internal.

One measure of longevity in marriage is how many fires a couple has survived. But that’s a risky way to maintain a marriage. And burn marks is not something pleasant to share.

Another way is to follow Franklin’s advance and build in some preventative measures. This requires being proactive and knowing what to do when a fire breaks out.

Stop, Drop, and Roll!

As a child, remember what you were taught to do if your clothes ever caught on fire?

Stop, Drop, and Roll!

Sparky the Fire Dog has been the mascot of the National Fire Prevention Association (NFPA) for over 50 years. Through the creative efforts of this group, millions of children – and adults – have been taught a simple and proven way to keep them from getting burned.

Note that the important part of this model is not just putting out the fire – it’s about NOT getting burned.

When applying this concept to a marriage, it’s not the fire that’s important. It’s proactively preventing either spouse from getting burned.

So let’s adapt the NFPA safely model and apply it to marriages.

When you recognize you may be in a dangerous situation – a marriage fire:

Stop! Discontinue what you are doing, saying, or thinking.

Drop! Move to safe ground.

This might be simply shifting the conversation to a safer topic. It might also be helpful to physically move to a different spot, such as another room or floor, or even going to a different location such as a coffee shop.

Roll! Create healthy dialogue.

Focus on discussing something positive that requires both spouses to participate – back and forth. For example, you might review a happy vacation you took together, discussing key highlights. Or you could review favorite restaurants and meals you’ve had together, touching on key points that highlight your commonalities and/or complimentary strengths.

Once a sense of calm and order has been restored, then evaluate if “now” is a good time to discuss the burning issue. Unless it’s a life or death situation, it likely can wait until both spouses are fully prepared – or an arbitrator is engaged, if the issue warrants it.

In addition, just as you should regularly check the smoke alarms in your house, don’t forget to check the smoke alarms in your marriage.

Are you avoiding eye contact?
Is there less physical touch?
Has the amount of quality time you spend together decreased?
Have you switched mediums of communications (e.g. from phone to email)?

The time to proactively prepare for a fire is not in the middle of a fire. Anticipate in advance how you will deal with life’s difficulties. And proactively develop your own simple model to prevent anyone from getting burned.