Posted on May 16, 2013

7 Ideas for Restoring Peace in Your Marriage

The value of peace means harmonious relations; freedom from disputes.

Marriage Questions:

Have you clearly defined what peace looks like for you and your spouse?
What one thing can restore peace with your spouse like no other? Why that one?
When you desire peace, what do you value most from your spouse? Have you told them that?
When is the last time you tried something different to encourage peace at home?

The Presence of Peace

Does a perfect marriage always have harmonious relations? Is it possible to be with someone for 25 or 50 years and have zero disputes? It would be hard to imagine, as discord and disputes are regular occurrences in most marriages. It’s a natural part of living with another human being who makes mistakes, says dumb things, and places their own interests ahead of yours.

But when there is peace in a marriage, it’s wonderful. It feels a little like heaven. It’s like looking up at the stars on a dark, clear night and seeing them as bright as they could possibly be because there is zero light pollution. It’s when you can look at your spouse and see them in all the beauty and glory that God made them to be.

Peace is experienced in marriage in that moment when there s no conflict, no thought of conflict, or nothing to instigate conflict. It’s when you can look in the eyes of your spouse and see a calm joy and thankfulness. It’s when you know there is goodwill still available, even if a small issue would dare arise.

If such a state is desirable to you, what can you do to promote it? Here are 7 different ideas to try:

Say “I love you”. No matter how many times your spouse has heard it from you before, hearing it again with conviction and authenticity can do wonders to create an environment for peace.
Say “I’m sorry”, even if you’re not sure what all you did to aggravate your spouse. Note that there are 5 different ways to apologize effectively, as outlined in the book The 5 Languages of Apology. Experiment with all 5. You’ll know when you find the right one for your spouse.
Often the lack of peace has nothing to do with you. The cause is due to your spouse not feeling very good about themself. So identify something specific you really admire about your spouse, and tell them. It must be authentic and true. But who better to recognize and highlight their God-given gifts and talents than you.
Sometimes all that’s needed is a diversion, something new to focus on. So present your spouse with a gift, something you know that they would be delighted to receive. It can be an item you purchased or something you made. What matters is that your spouse knows you were thinking specifically about them.
Sometimes you need to create the right environment for peace. Try planning a special event for just the two of you. Ideally it’s an environment where you can both share out of your heart without any distractions. Remember, creating the right experience requires careful planning, a little creativity, and a whole lot of fun.
There are occasions when the only way you are going to have peace is to earn it. You need to do something that proves your spouse matters more than anything else. Maybe that’s cleaning up the kitchen, fixing the leaky sink, or taking over the job of bathing the kids and putting them to bed. What matters is that you are showing your desire for peace by doing something significant for your spouse.
Last but not least is something everyone tends to forget. The power of a simple, kind, thoughtful touch. Give your spouse a gentle hug. Rub their back. Stroke their hair. Have them lie down and massage their feet. Feel the tension releasing and the peace entering into their body, and your relationship.

Remember, peace is oh so precious. It’s fragile and easily broken. If you truly desire peace in your marriage, then keep sowing the seeds that will encourage it. When one thing isn’t working, try something new. Don’t look upon it as a chore. Consider it a lifelong experiment of fun. In time, as you learn the right triggers, you will find that peace will return quicker and easier.