Honesty is the best policy. Works in marriage too.

The famous statement “Honesty is the best policy” is one of the most popular sayings in the English language. Children learn this at a young age. Hopefully adults continue to practice it.

America’s first president held to this motto, as he stated in his farewell address:

“I hold the maxim no less applicable to public than to private affairs, that honesty is always the best policy.” – George Washington

But what exactly does this mean? The essence of this statement is:

Always tell the truth, even when it seems as if it would be useful to tell a lie.

This seems like common sense. Yet, common sense is not always so common.

Have there been times in your life where you were not honest? Are there occasions in your life where you would choose not to be completely honest? Now, be honest with yourself… And if you responded with “it depends…” that’s the beginning of a slippery slope.

Beware of Lies

Unfortunately, many are convinced that there are times honesty is not the best policy. They believe that telling little white lies – minor lies that could be considered harmless – can be even beneficial in the long term. However, only telling part of the truth with the intent to conceal something else – and thus avoid awkward questions – is still a lie.

This leads to another common maxim:

The truth is the truth even if no one believes it; and a lie is a lie even if everyone believes it.

The first and most important place for complete honesty is in our relationship with God. He already knows the truth. The only question is if we are prepared to acknowledge it.

The next most important relationship where honesty needs to be embraced is in marriage.

5 Ways to Demonstrate Honesty in Marriage

As a differentiating value, Honesty means frank; without pretensions; dependable; not disposed to cheat or defraud; good. This represents 5 distinct ways to practice honesty.

Here’s how these could be displayed in a marriage.

1. To be frank. There are times for a husband or wife to be candid with each other. When one continually finds no toilet paper in the bathroom because their spouse used the last bit and didn’t replace it, this is a good time to be candid about how this makes you feel. If your spouse has an addiction problem (alcohol, drug, food, shopping, gambling, etc.) the sooner you have a frank discussion about the issue and its impact, the sooner you can begin working together on a solution. But it’s important to always speak the truth in love.
2. To be without pretensions. Hopefully you didn’t woo your spouse by “showing off” or claiming to be something you are not. And vice versa. We are to love our spouse for who they are. Equally important is to not pretend they are something more than they are. If one of you is naturally messy, trying to pretend to be organized (e.g. by hiding all the dirty clothes in a closet) doesn’t help the relationship. Or if you are not naturally a morning person, who are you kidding by talking about how great it is to get up at 5:00 am? Of course, we can all change. But it’s important not to pretend to be something we’ve not yet achieved.
3. To be dependable. For many marriages this can be a tough one. A healthy marriage is based on trust. Your word is your bond. If you say you will be home at 6:30 pm for dinner, you better be there, or call ahead to explain why. If you promise to pick up groceries on your way home from work, then don’t forget. Your spouse is depending on you, or more accurately relying on your promise. Of course emergencies do arise. But keeping your spouse informed is the best policy. And when the only opportunity to explain is after the fact, then tell the truth, even if you must admit: “I forgot.”
4. To not be disposed to cheat or defraud. Would you ever give a gambler your money on the promise that they “might” share the winnings with you? That would be foolish (though some are willing to do this!). Yet, it can easily happen in marriage where one gets conned into doing something with or for someone else they later regret. Being honest is more than just “not cheating” on your spouse. It means you don’t even think about it. So when your spouse asks you: “did you notice that good looking girl?” you can answer honestly with your own observation (in fact, this can be a fun thing to do together). When you cheat, steal, or deceive your spouse, or even think about it, you are only hurting yourself.
5. To be good. In addition to being morally upright, “being good” is about earning the respect of your spouse. One way to do this is to be generous with your time, energy, and money that benefits your marriage. It shows you’re thinking of your spouse first. Generosity is a wonderful cousin to honesty. In fact, a double blessing is when you practice generosity together with your spouse. You not only strengthen your marriage, you build a trust account with those who value your generosity. And that’s good for everyone.

Which of these do you find hardest to do? Why?

What are some other ways to demonstrate honesty in marriage?

Today’s value was selected from the “Fairness-Respect” category, based on the e-book Developing Your Differentiating Values.

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