The Difference that Deference can Make in Marriage

Some view deference as being submissive. To them, it means giving up control. They’re likely the same folks who don’t speak very highly of marriage.

As a differentiating value, Deference means great respect; courteous regard for the feelings of others. In marriage, this can be a great value to help a husband and wife work together more effectively.

Deference is when you choose to not push your own agenda. It’s when you defer to your spouse, openly acknowledging that they are leading on a particular topic and you agree to support them.

Deference is a sign of strength, not weakness.  It’s your choice, of your own free will, to defer to your spouse. It’s a way to honor and show respect.

Amazingly, we have little difficulty showing great respect to royalty, or a judge, or even to one’s employer. So why wouldn’t we show respect to our spouse?

Making a Difference with Deference

When practiced by a husband and wife, deference:

• Is a sign of honor. When you defer to your spouse’s ideas and decisions, you are honoring them. It’s acknowledging their talent, their thinking, and their choices. It’s a sign that you value them.
• Builds confidence. When you defer to your spouse, it says: “I trust you.” What better way to build their sense of self-confidence, and for them to know that they “matter.”
• Is empowering. When you defer to your spouse they have the right to decide what, when, and how. Yet, sometimes what is needed most is a little “space” – a little room to ponder and pray. When you defer to your spouse, they have the right to wait until they are ready to deal with an issue or topic.
• Helps clarify roles. Deference can help define roles and responsibilities. It can cover the gamut from household chores (cooking, cleaning, taking out the trash, etc.); to repairs (e.g. fixing a plumbing leak); to shopping (groceries, clothing, etc.); to everything to do with the kids (help with school work, getting to games and practices, etc.); to planning vacations, events, date nights, and just times to relax and have fun.

It’s important to note that deferring to your spouse is not about offloading those items you don’t like or want to do. That’s actually a sign of disrespect and an unhealthy need to control.

The power of deference in marriage is when both husband and wife can recognize the gifts and talents in the other and can quickly see how both will be better off when they maximize their combined strengths and minimize their individual weaknesses.

Now, to me, that sounds like a “win-win” model for a strong and lasting marriage.

What are other ways that deference can make a positive difference in marriage?

Today’s value was selected from the “Fairness-Respect” category, based on the e-book Developing Your Differentiating Values.