Posted on Mar 13, 2014

The Importance of Congruency in Marriage

Being married is not always a bed of roses. There are days we all just want to be alone and not be bothered by the needs of our spouse.

However, if such days become the norm, there’s clearly a problem in the marriage. If the problem(s) are not addressed, the marriage will quickly deteriorate and fall apart.

When a marriage breaks down, it is not uncommon to hear at least one spouse say: “we’re just not really suited for one another.”

Really? Does this make any sense?

Remember When…

Consider that when a man and woman meet and go on a few dates, they find things to do that they both enjoy. After spending time together, talking about themselves and their dreams, sharing ideas and what they like and don’t like, they might choose to get married.

Then consider the many activities a married couple does together, from going on trips to doing chores together; or from sharing a hobby to making a home together. Just think of the many, many decisions that get made together and for each other.

Of course:

Not all decisions are made together.
Not every decision works out well.
Not all outcomes will be positive.

But a healthy marriage is not measured by how much both partners have in common. A healthy marriage can be measured by how much both partners preserve what’s common.

This is the value of congruency.

The Value of Congruency

As a differentiating value, Congruency means agreeing; being suitable and appropriate. This is often considered in the same vein as oneness or unity.

The challenge with congruency is that it’s hard to see when it is present. It’s actually easier to spot when it’s missing.

Here are a few signs when congruency is lacking in a marriage:

Each partner chooses to do their own thing.
Choosing to spend more time with others instead of their spouse.
Choosing to stay at work longer.
An increase in miscommunication.
Being more critical of everything said or done.

So, what if you are in that place of feeling incongruent with your spouse?

Re-Establishing Congruency

One way to re-establish congruency is to go on a couple’s retreat. Here’s a review of a terrific book called The 48-Hour Relationship Retreat, with the subtitle: “Your step-by-step guide to finding your dreams and planning for success together in one fabulous weekend.” Read the review, or better yet read the book.

Another way is to revisit the joy of dating – again. Find things to do together. Spend time together talking about yourselves and your dreams, sharing ideas and what you like and don’t like.

You just might find there is more congruency than you thought!