In marriage, some things are easier to share than others

When it comes to sharing with others, most of us learned the basic principles as kids. If you grew up with any brothers or sisters, then you likely experienced the ‘fairness’ rule.

– If treats were being handed out or drinks being poured, everyone had to get the exact same amount.

– If you had to play in the same room with siblings, then you learned to share the toys, decided who got to play on the couch versus the floor, and determined who rolled the dice first when playing a board game.

You learned to either take turns or divide what was available. It was only fair. And it’s how major fights were avoided. At least, most of the time.

Then you grew up, met the love of your life, and got married.

Do the same principles apply about sharing between a husband and wife?

Generally, yes.

The Value of Sharing

As a differentiating value, Sharing means joint use of a resource, asset or space.

Note the reference to ‘joint use’. Sharing implies both parties have need of the item or topic in question. The need can be frequent or rare. It can be needed repeatedly or just once. And there is no qualifier on why, how, when, or where it is needed.

But if you never need it, then sharing is irrelevant. It doesn’t need to be on the consideration list.

Strangely, some people purposefully mess this up.  The one suddenly decides they want to use something that only their spouse has interest in. It would be like wanting to use your spouse’s fishing equipment when you have no real interest in fishing. Or it would be like deciding you want to use your spouse’s sewing machine when you have no real interest in sewing.

When this occurs there are clearly other unresolved issues that need to be addressed. It’s not about the value of sharing.

Generally, all items and topics in marriage can be divided into two buckets: those things that are easier to share, and those things that are harder to share.

Easier Things to Share

When a couple first gets married, it’s fun to hear them exclaim “This is now ours!” It’s a good sign of a willingness to share. This generally includes those things that are expected to be shared, such as:

• Their home (house, apartment, condo, trailer)
• The bed, the couch
• Dining room table, fireplace, kitchen
• Appliances, tools for cooking, kitchenware and utensils
• Food & drink
• Books, CDs, DVDs
• TV (though someone gets to control the remote)
• Wireless internet
• And sometimes even vehicles (with a little planning)

Also, don’t forget about the important intangible assets that can be easily shared, such hugs and kisses, words of affirmation, and spending quality time together.

If there are any children in the family, sharing takes on a whole new meaning. While sharing the love is nice, its more often about sharing responsibility.

Harder Things to Share

When the reference to an item or topic begins with “That’s my…..” then it’s likely something harder to share. These include:

• Clothes and shoes (even if they fit – don’t try)
• Personal care products, such as razors, creams, makeup, etc.
• Personal technology, including: cellphones, Kindle, laptop, tablet (though some make this work)

For couples that struggle with sharing, this list can quickly grow to include many other items, such as:

• My vehicle, my bike
• My bank account, my money
• My time, my space
• And on and on….

This is not a good sign of a healthy marriage.

However, when the value of sharing is fully embraced, the list of easier items should be longer than the list of harder items. Over time, and with practice, items from the harder list will also move to the easier list.

 

What can couples do to share more effectively in their marriage?

How can the value of sharing benefit your marriage?

 

Today’s value was selected from the “Appreciation-Kindness” category, based on the e-book Developing Your Differentiating Values.