When Conformity is Beneficial in Marriage
Not many people would put conformity and marriage together.
But what if your marriage is really struggling, unhealthy, or possibly even “on the rocks”? If you really want to save your marriage, what can you do?
First, ask yourself the following questions:
- Are my actions towards my spouse helpful or hurtful?
- Are my words always demonstrating love and respect towards my spouse?
- Are my thoughts towards my spouse generally positive or negative?
- Am I treating my spouse the way someone does in a healthy marriage?
Depending on your circumstances, these questions may not be easy to answer. How do you know how you should act, what to say, or even think regarding your spouse?
The secret lies in studying healthy marriages.
Let’s be clear here. Every marriage is unique. No two marriages are the same.
However, there are proven standards of what works to have a healthy marriage, and what doesn’t. This is where the power of conformity comes in.
As a differentiating value, conformity means acting according to certain accepted standards; act like others.
Now, there’s two sides to “acting like others” – some good and some bad. Unfortunately, we’re surrounded by a lot of poor examples of ways to act. Numerous movies and books highlight unhealthy relationships and even portray them as “normal.”
But following a bad example is just an excuse.
Look for Good Examples
There are many, many great examples of healthy marriages all around us. Just stop and consider all the married couples you know. Ponder over the way you’ve seen the husband and wife interact. What subtle things does he do for her? What quiet things does she do for him, even when there is no apparent verbal communication?
When you begin looking at lasting marriages – those married 25, 30, 40, 50+ years – consider the following:
- Are there some that appear to maintain a regular calmness (less drama than others)?
- Are there some couples who are generally positive, upbeat, and happy all the time (regardless of what challenges they are facing)?
- Are there some that seem to work better together than others, almost as if they were made that way?
An important distinction: you’re NOT looking for “perfect”. It doesn’t exist. What you are looking for are examples of what’s working well.
Study them. Watch and observe closely. Take notes.
You might even go and ask them for their “secret” (you’d be surprised how many couples would gladly share what’s working well in their relationship).
And then…. try conforming your thoughts, words, and actions to what you see works well in healthy relationships. BUT…. don’t expect miracles. It takes time. It requires repetition. And it entails a lot of love.
Of course, when following a set of the standards that work for others, be prepared to adapt it to work for you and your marriage. In time, you just might find you’re not the only one who sees from a new perspective. In addition to your spouse, don’t be surprised if your kids, your friends, and even your neighbors notice. Heck, you might even find others start quietly learning from your marriage.
Positive conformity can be catchy!
Do you know of a great marriage role model? What observations have you made of them?
Today’s value was selected from the “Harmony-Order” category, based on the e-book Developing Your Differentiating Values.