Posted on Jan 24, 2014

The Right Way to Be Direct with Your Spouse

How do you talk to your spouse about sensitive or difficult issues?

Some approach sensitive topics too lightly. They gently nudge or hint at the topic, almost talking about it around the edges. But unless their spouse is a mind reader, this rarely works well.

Others choose to just plain avoid difficult topics. They hope it will disappear on its own or think it’s easier to address if/when it eventually turns into a major issue. This strategy generally leads to even greater challenges.

Remember, most big problems start as small, easy-to-address items.

When issues are small, the value of directness can have the greatest impact. As a differentiating value, Directness means being honest and straightforward in attitude and speech.

This is especially important in marriage.

But there’s a right way and a wrong way to be direct with your spouse.

Right Way vs. Wrong Way

The wrong way of being direct is when you’re focused on attacking your spouse. And no matter how much you think it’s about “correcting” them or “it’s for their benefit”, it’s always perceived as attacking. So don’t do it!

The right way of being direct with your spouse is when you focus on an issue outside of your relationship that has the potential of negatively impacting your marriage.

Here are a few examples where the value of directness can be very beneficial between a husband and wife:

We’re below our minimum balance in our bank account. We need to make some changes to our finances.
Something is wrong with the car. It’s not safe and we need to get it fixed.
My job is in jeopardy. We need to explore other options.
Our son has been diagnosed with ADHD. We need to make a decision on what medication (if any) we’re going to give him.
We need to stop spending time with that couple who are always so negative. It’s hurting our relationship.

Now, these might seem obvious because there’s a sense of urgency and they impact both husband and wife.

But what about when only one person is feeling impacted? You.

When It’s All About You

Often there’s an emotional component where YOU are not feeling happy about something. Maybe YOU feel the need to address it with your spouse.

So what’s the right way to be direct? Same rule applies as stated above: stay focused on the issue outside of your relationship.

In such cases, it’s appropriate to reference how the issue or topic makes you feel. But don’t just complain. Engage your spouse in addressing the issue – in a positive way.

Here are a few examples:

I’m feeling anxious about our finances and would like to talk about ways to fix it before it gets worse.
When driving the car, I don’t feel safe. When can we have someone look at it?
I really hate my job and want to quit. I feel there has to be a better option out there and would welcome your suggestions.
I worry how our daughter is doing in school. I’d like to explore options with you on how we can help her get through this year.
Spending time with that couple makes me feel very uncomfortable. Who else can we hang out with that is positive, fun, and can encourage us?

Of course, the right way to be direct with your spouse also requires picking the right time and place – and saying it the right way. So what exactly does this mean?

Well…. sometimes it’s just not appropriate to be direct. So don’t force it.