Learning How to Be Sensitive to Your Spouse

“Don’t discuss sensitive subjects before dinner. Eat first.” – Renee Flager

That’s sound advice for married couples. But how does one know if a particular topic is sensitive to your spouse?

The easy ones are often the big ones:

• Be sensitive to anything related to money that directly impacts your spouse (e.g. the need to reduce spending).
• Be sensitive to anything directly related to how you feel about your spouse (e.g. you feel hurt, angry, or frustrated because of something they said or did).

When you know a topic is going to be sensitive, be sure to pick the right time and place to discuss it.

But what about all of the other topics that might be viewed as minor, yet turn out to be major issues for your relationship?

The value of sensitivity provides some clues.

As a differentiating value, Sensitivity means responsive to emotions of others or changes in interpersonal environment. In other words, be sensitive to the emotions of your spouse or anything that impacts how your spouse feels.

One way to apply this value is to consider a topic from the perspective of the past, present or future. It’s important to be sensitive to:

• what impacted your spouse in the past. This can include topics that trigger a memory where your spouse was hurt (physically or emotionally), embarrassed, or messed up. Remember, it’s not about the topic. It’s about how your spouse feels about it.
• what’s impacting your spouse in the present. This can include what’s happening in the lives of family members, including parents, children, or siblings. Why? Because it impacts how your spouse feels about them, which in turn impacts how your spouse feels about you. So your negative comment about your in-laws absolutely reflects how your spouse feels about you (even if the comment is true!).
• what might impact your spouse in the future. This can include concerns about health-related issues, changes (or loss) in current relationships, or simply fear of the unknown. Sometimes all your spouse needs is to feel your unconditional love, no matter what may happen in the future.

Note that in all cases, the need for sensitivity revolves around how your spouse “feels.”

If that sounds difficult for you, just know that the more you practice, the easier it gets.

 

Do you know someone who exemplifies the value of sensitivity in their marriage? What have you learned from them?

 

Today’s value was selected from the “Appreciation-Kindness” category, based on the e-book Developing Your Differentiating Values.