Posted on May 8, 2014

8 Ways to Improve Your Marriage Through Giving

Many people believe a successful marriage should include both give and take. Sounds logical.

But couples that have learned the secret to a strong marriage will tell you it only requires the willingness to give. In fact, they would go one step further and say it’s more than a willingness.

It’s a burning desire.

When you find yourself unconsciously thinking of things you could give your spouse, or new ways to add value to your spouse to make them happy – just to see them smile – then you instinctively understand the power of giving.

Does this mean those who don’t posses a burning desire to give are simply “out-of-luck”? Not at all.

Giving is a value that can be learned.

The value of Giving

As a differentiating value, Giving means voluntary transfer of a possession without receiving value in return.

Note the reference to “voluntary”. Real giving means there is no coercion. No bribery. And no guilt associated with it.

Giving is a choice. It’s something you do because you choose to do it.

There should also be nothing expected in return. It doesn’t matter if you are giving your time, your energy, or something that costs money. It can be tangible (such as flowers) or intangible (such as a your time to just listen). Giving is a one-way transfer of value.

Of course, here’s the paradox about giving:

When you give freely, that is voluntary and expecting nothing in return, you will almost always receive something in return: a feeling of joy for the opportunity to give.

In words, for all your pursuit of giving with no expectation of a return, you won’t escape receiving something of value too.

So take some time to experiment with this wonderful value. And the best person to experiment on is your spouse!

8 Ways to Improve Your Marriage Through Giving

Listen. Plan 20 to 30 minutes each evening where you will just sit and listen to your spouse. Prepare a few questions to get your spouse talking. Here are 3 to get you started:
- What was the best part of your day?
- What do you think others see as your best strengths, and why?
- If you could wish for one thing to happen this week, what would it be?
Do something useful. Consider what chore or task would make your spouse happy. Cleaning out that messy cupboard? Fixing that leaky faucet? Or making their favorite meal? Whatever it is, do it with joy and passion as it’s your gift to your spouse.
Praise them. The next time you’re with friends (or even with new acquaintances), proudly tout how amazing your spouse is, highlighting their specific strength(s) and why you admire them for it. Note: you must be sincere. This is not a sales pitch. Let your true feelings of pride show.
Give a Massage. At the appropriate time and place, gently massage your spouse’s feet, including the ankles and calves. This is especially appreciated when lying down. Important note: take your time and focus on the massage as if you are removing all their aches and pains.
Buy Flowers. Buy some flowers on your way home and put them in a vase (with some water) on a table where your spouse is sure to see them. Be sure to put a little hand-written card or note beside the flowers that says, “For the love of my life.”
Let it go. Decide to NOT do something you’ve been planning (e.g. a hobby or trip with friends) to instead spend time with your spouse. It doesn’t really matter what you choose to do with your spouse. The fact you chose your spouse over a personal interest is a wonderful gift. (Remember, giving is not about you. It’s about your spouse!)
Don’t complain. Try it for a day. Maybe even a week. No matter what happens, resist making a single complaint or negative comment about anything regarding your spouse. Let your words be only positive, encouraging, and affirming. And if your spouse asks why you’re being so different, tell them you’re trying an experiment to only say nice things about them. (Hint: when asked about a subject, always tell the truth!)
Practice serving. Giving is a kin to serving. If you worked for a royal family, and your spouse was the head of that family, how would you treat them? See what happens when you choose to serve your spouse with the same level of respect as royalty.