The Value of Attentiveness in Marriage

For me, Thursdays are about marriage. As outlined in my 2012 Blog Strategy, that’s when I write about values in marriage.

Being attentive to one’s marriage on a regular basis is also important. But how often does it really happen?

Are you only attentive to your spouse on your anniversary? Or do you invest the time and energy to be attentive on a quarterly or monthly basis? What about weekly or even daily?

What’s required to make attentiveness a priority?

Stephen Covey wrote about priorities and time management in his book First Things First. Covey used a 4-quadrant model that’s a combination of what’s important vs. not important against what’s urgent vs. not urgent. Not surprisingly, Covey argues the greatest impact is made in the “Important but Not Urgent” quadrant.

The Problems of Real Life

Sadly, real life tends to get in the way. Our attention is demanded by what is seemingly urgent and important:

–       the kettle steams

–       a baby screams

–       the telephone rings

–       your neighbor clings

–       customers are clearly upset

–       your computer needs to be reset

–       the boss is mad

–       your co-workers are sad

–       the car is broken

–       your spouse hasn’t spoken….

Ouch…. Don’t wait until this last bullet happens.

If teamwork makes the dream work, then a strong marriage team will help address the many issues and challenges that come along. Being deliberate with attentiveness in your marriage helps keep the team together and strong.

The Value of Attentiveness

Attentiveness means observant; considerate and thoughtful of others. It is a value that can make a huge difference in a marriage, where the “others’ referenced here is your spouse.

What does it mean to be observant of your spouse?

Maybe you think you know your spouse very well – especially after years of being together. But being attentive means you’re continually looking for what’s new, what’s changed, and what’s important – now.

Become a student of your spouse. Listen carefully. Ask thoughtful questions. Take notes of what they like and don’t like. And don’t be surprised if this list changes over time. Give permission for people to change. If you are attentive, you should be the first to know.

If you’ve hit some rocky spots in your marriage, being genuinely attentive can be the catalyst to rebuilding and repair. You are showing that your spouse matters to you and that you really care.

Attentiveness in Action

Attentiveness requires practice, and practice improves performance. Invest at least 10-15 minutes a day to connect with your spouse. Be deliberate.

Here are a few suggestions to implement the value of attentiveness:

–       Ask questions. Attentiveness is exploratory.

–       Listen well. Attentiveness is powerful in the silence.

–       Observe fully. Attentiveness helps complete the puzzle.

–       Hold hands. Attentiveness multiplies through touch.

What other ways can someone practice attentiveness in their marriage?